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My Dick is So Big That...

In alphabetical order

…“Oh, Yeah” is its theme song.

…a homeless family lives beneath it.

…black holes fall into it.

…black people say, “Man, that’s a big-ass dick!”

…Carnegie Deli named a sandwich after it!

…clowns climb out of it when I come!

…compasses do not function properly around it.

…every time I get hard, I cause a solar eclipse!

…FedEx won’t insure it.

… Florida had to measure it twice.

…I can braid it!

…I can change channels without using a remote.

…I can screw an elevator shaft!

…I can never sit in the front row!

…I can screw a car wash.

…I can screw a volcano.

…I can screw the ocean.

…I can sit on it!

…I can smuggle 14 kilos of crack, 9 stolen cars, and 5 illegal aliens across the border in it.

…I could wear it as a tie if I wasn’t so afraid of getting stiff and killing myself!

…I decorate it at Christmas time.

…I entered a big dick contest and it came in first, second and third.

…in front of company, I have to call it Mr. Dick!

…I have to check it as luggage when I fly!

…it cooks my breakfast!

…I have to sell it wholesale.

…I have to stow it in the overhead bin on planes.

…I have to use a complex irrigation system just to take a piss.

…I have to use an elastic Zipper!

…I lost my legs in Vietnam but I can still drive a stick.

…I paint the foreskin red, white and blue and use it as a flag!

…I rent it out for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

…I run three-legged races alone.

…I stand in the hall to take a piss.

…I use a hula-hoop for a cock ring!

…I use it to spearfish whales.

…I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler!

…I use the Great Wall of China as a guide rail.

…I went to the Viper Room and it got in, while I had to argue with the doorman!

…I’m already screwing a girl tomorrow.

…I’m its bitch!

…if I didn’t sleep on my side, planes would crash into it at night.

…if I were a porn star, I could only make movies in widescreen.

…if you cut it in half, you can tell how old I am!

…inside it are billions and billions of stars!

…it affects the weather.

…it can chew gum!

…it can climax a tuba!

…it can only be measured in theory.

…it caused the BP oil spill.

…it charges money for an autograph!

…it contributed $100,000 to the Republican National Committee!

…it could eat a horse.

…it gets manicures.

…it gives me an allowance.

…it got its own state quarter.

…it graduated a year ahead of me in high school!

…it graduated a year before I did.

…it has a 50-yard line!

…it has a basement!

…it has a brain.

…it has a drink named after it: Slow Gin Dick.

…it has a moon.

…it has a North Pole.

…it has a nucleus.

…it has a personal trainer!

…it has a reinforced foundation.

…it has a retractable dome!

…it has a spine!

…it has a stunt double.

…it has a three-picture deal!

…it has its own vanity plate: 1 BIG DCK.

…it has a center aisle.

…it has an elbow!

…it has an elevator and a lobby!

…it has an opening act!

…it has bark.

…it has better credit than I do!

…it has branches.

…it has cable!

…it has casters!

…it has feet!

…it has gaskets.

…it has investors!

…it has its own agent. “My dick’s people will call your people.”

…it has its own commemorative stamp.

…it has its own dick and even that dick is bigger than your dick!

…it has its own ego.

…it has its own entourage.

…it has its own fraternity, Delta Theta Cock.

…it has its own gravity!

…it has its own horizon.

…it has its own line of hip hop clothing.

…it has its own page on the Sierra Club calendar!

…it has its own seat in Congress.

…it has its own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

…it has its own sunrise and sunset.

…it has its own time zone – Central Dick Time.

…it has its own Wheaties box!

…it has its own zip code.

…it has nostrils

…it has stairs up the center like the Statue of Liberty!

…it has stretch marks.

…it has tonsils.

…it has training wheels.

…it hit .370 in the minors before it hurt its knee!

…it is the Internet.

…it killed its ex-wife and got away with it scott free.

…it lives next door!

…it makes the Grand Canyon scream “Nooooooooo!”

…it needs an airplane warning light!

…it only comes into work when it fells like it!

…it only does one show a night!

…it only plays arenas!

…it only tips with hundreds!

…it plays golf with the President!

…it plays mailbox baseball while I drive.

…it puts out 300kW – standard!

…it runs the 440 in fifteen seconds!

…it sank the Titanic.

…it seats six!

…it sleeps with one eye open.

…it snubbed the Oscars.

…it stormed the beach at Normandy.

…it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jack me off!

…it takes longer lunches than I do!

…it used to be a Harlem Globetrotter.

…it used to hang out on the set of “Friends.”

…it violates 17 zoning laws!

…it votes!

…it was a bouncer at Studio 54.

…it was almost drafted by Cleveland, but Art Modell didn’t want a bigger dick on the team than himself!

…it was impeached by Congress.

…it was named a “VIP: Very Important Penis.”

…it was on a Wheaties box.

…it was once ambassador to China!

…it was once overthrown by a military coup!

…it was once set on fire for a Dino Di Laurentis movie!

…it was recently split into two area codes.

…it won the Nobel Peace Prize.

…it won’t return Speilberg’s calls!

…it’s a better dresser than I am!

…it’s a tax write-off.

…it’s already screwing a girl tomorrow!

…it’s an opening act for rock bands.

…it’s considered the Eighth Wonder of the World.

…it’s gone condo!

…it’s got its own gang sign.

…its head has only seen my balls in photos!

…it’s impossible to see all of it except from space!

…it’s in a boy band with four other big dicks.

…it’s known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick!

…it’s not just famous, it’s infamous.

…it’s ridden in rodeos.

…it’s right behind you!

…it’s sectional.

…it’s the walrus, koo-koo-ka-joob!

…it’s used at parties as a limbo pole.

…it’s wanted in nine states and Canada.

…it’s worshipped as a pagan god.

…in the next remake, King Kong is going to crawl up it!

… Las Vegas casinos fly it into town for free!

…Mark McGuire used it to hit home runs!

…movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large and My Dick!

…my driver’s license lists me as an organ donor twice.

…my erections cause a total eclipse.

…my mother was in labor for three extra days!

…my urologist is a Sherpa.

…NASA once launched a space probe to search for its tip!

…no matter where I go, it always gets there first!

…once when I was in Ohio, I got a blowjob in Tennessee.

…one side never sees the sun – it’s the dark side of my dick.

…premature ejaculation takes ninety minutes.

…ships use it to find their way!

…someone used it as a lifeline on “Who wants to be a Millionaire?”

…sometimes it jerks me off.

…sperm banks pay it interest.

…Stephen Hawking has a theory about it!

…that I entered it in a big dick contest and it came in first, second and third!

…that I look like its dick in front of it.

…that I once got a blowjob in Tennessee when I was in Ohio!!

…that right now it’s in the other room fixing us drinks!

…that there’s not enough earth to bury me with it.

…that when I fly, it has to take the train.

…that when the tip is in Eastern Standard Time, my balls are in Central!

…the city had to carve a hole in the middle of it so cars could get through!

…the city was going to build a statue of it, but they ran out of cement!

…the doctor used a chainsaw to circumcise me.

…the Federal Reserve uses it to raise interest rates.

…the government is suing it for anti-trust violations.

…the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.

…the man always be tryin’ to keep it down.

…the Pope has blessed it.

…the Romans named a god after it: Simplyvs Hvges Giganticvs Erectia Dickvs.

…there’s a sneaker named “Air My Dick”!

…there’s still snow on it in the summertime!

…they could run the Indy 500 on it — with no turns.

…they named a movie after it: Godzilla vs. My Dick!

…they use sequoias to test my condoms.

…they use the bullet train to test my condoms!

…they’re making a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.

…Trump wants to buy it!

…VH1 did a “Behind the Music” about it.

…VH1 is letting it host an episode of “The List.”

…we are all a part of it and it’s all a part of us!

…when I get hard, my eyebrows get pulled down to my neck!

…when I’m aroused, it affects the Earth’s orbit.

…when it rains, the head of it doesn’t get wet!

…when it’s in Leno’s mouth, you can’t see his chin.

…you can ski down it!

…you can’t blow me without a ladder!

…you must be at least 48 inches to ride.

…you must wear protective headgear to screw me!

…you’re standing on it!

From You've Got Laughs! Al Lowe's Book of Internet Humor
coming soon from www.allowe.com