Agent

character who resents performers getting 90% of his salary

Arranger

guy who writes to support his drinking habit

Ballet

art form for people with eating disorders

Bandstand

the area farthest away from an electrical outlet

Big Band

presently, an aggregation consisting of three musicians

Broadway Pit Job

prison sentence masquerading as a gig

Cabaret

venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

God’s way of telling you that you’ve practiced too much

Caterer

man whose hatred for musicians is unrivaled

Chanteuse

singer with an accent and no time

Classical Composer

man ahead of his time and behind in the rent

Clubdater

God’s way of telling you that you didn’t practice enough

Club Date Leader

one who changes his name from Kaminsky to Kaye

Continental Violinist

guy who rushes like he’s trying to catch the last train to Budapest

Contractor

man whose funeral nobody attends

Cruise Ship Work

gig that gives its musician two reasons to throw up

D.J.

who your son would rather have play for his Bar Mitzvah

D-Minor

rare Army classification which states that, in the event of war, all musicians are to only play klezmer

Doublebass

instrument the folks paying the bill feel is unnecessary

Downbeat

magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working

Electric Piano

instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia sustained lifting it

Hotel Pianist

guy who looks good in a tux

Jazz

only true American art form beloved by Europeans

Jazz Festival

event attended by folks who think Coltrane is a car on a railroad

Lyric

the part of a tune known only to singers and homosexuals

Mellophone

instrument whose best use is as a lamp

Metronome

archenemy of chanteuses and cantors

Movie Composer

one who can write like anyone except himself

New Age

musical substitute for Valium

New Year’s Eve

the night of the year when contractors must hire musicians they despise

Orchestrator

musician who enhances a composer’s music, only to be chastised for it

Percussionist

drummer who can’t swing

Perfect Pitch

ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune

Pianist

archaic term for a keyboard player

Prodigy

kid with as much chance at a normal childhood as the Cubs winning the Series

Raga

official music of NYC Taxi and Limo Commission

Rare Violin

Stradivarius; not to be confused with a rare violinist, which is someone over four foot eleven

Sideman

the appellation that guarantees a musician will never be rich

Staff Musician

harder to locate than a cavity in a room full of Osmonds

Steady Engagement

see “obsolete”

24/7

time signature of the India national anthem

Union Rep

guy who thinks big bands are coming back

Verse

portion of a tune that’s disposable, except to its composer.

Viola D’ Amore

baroque string instrument; also, the hooker to whom Bach lost his virginity

Wurlitzer

the Yugo of pianos

Yanni

man blessed with great hair for music