Microsoft Tests Nuclear Device
At Secret Olympia Facility
REDMOND (BNN) February 28, 2001 -- World leaders reacted with stunned
silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test
at a secret facility in Washington state. The device, exploded at 10:55
am PDT (1:55 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft
and the U. S. Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by
any and all necessary means, said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. Not
that Im anti-government, he continued, but there would
be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed
in a bath of nuclear fire.
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. I nearly
dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer, explained University
of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover. At first I thought
it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain
In Washington, President Bush announced the U. S. Government would boycott
all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed
his decision. Weve tried sanctions since lunchtime and they
just dont work, said the President. "Instead, the administration
will initiate a policy of 'constructive engagement' with Microsoft."
Microsofts Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
justified Microsofts recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation
from the U. S. Government. "Not only did Microsoft acquire 'kilograms
of weapons grade plutonium' in the deal," said Myrhvold, but
weve finally have a place to dump the millions of unsold copies
of Microsoft Bob.
Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival
operating systems. I can neither confirm nor deny the existence
of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium III
microprocessor, said Myrhvold, but anyone who installs an
OS written by a bunch of Internet long-hairs will get what they deserve.
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium III microprocessor would explain
why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The
Intel chips put out more heat than they draw in electrical power,
said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. This should finally dispel those
stories about cold fusion.
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California,
headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. Theyre doing all
of the development work in Java, said one source close to the project.
"The delivery system development is holding up progress. 'Write once,
bomb anywhere' is still a dream at the moment.
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-ad-infinitum-CEO Steve
Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about
deploying Apples Newton technology against Microsoft. Newton
was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years, said one
hardware engineer. Id hate to be around when they drop that
product a second time!