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Hu's On First

By James Sherman

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this soon after Hu Jintao was named chief of China's Communist Party.

Scene: The Oval Office

Players: George W. Bush, President of the US; Condoleezza Rice, National Security Adviser

George	Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi	Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George	Great. Lay it on me.
Condi	Hu is the new leader of China.
George	That's what I want to know.
Condi	That's what I'm telling you.
George	That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi	Yes.
George	I mean the fellow's name.
Condi	Hu.
George	The guy in China.
Condi	Hu.
George	The new leader of China.
Condi	Hu.
George	The Chinaman!
Condi	Hu is leading China.
George	Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi	I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George	Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi	That's the man's name.
George	That's who's name?
Condi	Yes.
George	Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi	Yes, sir.
George	Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi	That's correct.
George	Then who is in China?
Condi	Yes, sir.
George	Yassir is in China?
Condi	No, sir.
George	Then who is?
Condi	Yes, sir.
George	Yassir?
Condi	No, sir.
George	Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi	Kofi?
George	No, thanks.
Condi	You want Kofi?
George	No.
Condi	You don't want Kofi.
George	No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi	Yes, sir.
George	Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi	Kofi?
George	Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi	And call who?
George	Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi	Hu is the guy in China.
George	Will you stay out of China?!
Condi	Yes, sir.
George	And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi	Kofi.
George	All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
	(Condi picks up the phone)
Condi	Rice, here.
George	Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?