How To Keep
Your Mental Health

Sit in your parked car wearing your sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask, "Do you want fries with that?"

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone is over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors."

End all your sentences with, "in accordance with prophecy."

dont use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle and play tropical sounds all day.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Make co-workers call you by your wrestling name: "Rock Hard."

When your money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."