How To Get Rid Of
A Blind Date
dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including
the waiter, who reaches for it.
the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant,
and balance them in a tower on your table.
your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
every third third word you say say.
your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous"
for your high school yearbook.
a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what
they are talking about.
up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched,
and make airplane sounds.
a bucket of lard.
for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in
fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins
talking about himself/herself.
french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their
plate than they do.
with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray
crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up
the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about
everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed
in front of you.
yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess
and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant.
Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask
him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the bathroom?!"
graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing
the subject up periodically throughout the meal.
your date how much money they have with them.
for your date. Order something nasty.
to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.
entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows,
where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can
keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
Loudly. In monotone.
your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper
shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e. anything
that isn't bolted down.
a debate. Take both sides.
your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
your date off for silverware.
under the table. Take your plate with you.
a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the
potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato
you "never got". When the waiter returns with another
potato, have the first one back on your plate. Watch the
beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape,
and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
in Pig Latin throughout the meal.
a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the
table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one
of the chairs. Tell your date, with a straight face, "They
need to air out."
they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu.
Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say
"Boy, did you get ripped off!"
20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get
up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking
them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's
a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar
manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make
sure no one has poisoned your food.
your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret microphone
hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
use any verbs during the entire meal.
wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.