Groucho Marx One-Liners
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I have nothing but respect for you …and not much of that.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five!
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy …and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
Why, I’d horse-whip you… if I had a horse.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.
I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
If I held you any closer, I’d be on the other side of you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
(taking someone’s pulse) Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh, you tell me what you know.
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.
Whatever it is, I’m against it.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.