Don’t waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. To “switch tracks,” think of a different song.
Cinema Goers: Be considerate of pirate DVD viewers; piss before the film starts.
Rappers: Avoid saying "know what I’m sayin’" constantly by thinking first and then speaking clearly.
Don’t waste money on expensive paper shredders to prevent identity theft. Just drop a few dog turds in the same trash bag as your old bank statements.
Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Remove the stains by drinking a bottle of white wine before going to bed.
Soldiers: A digital camera will avoid all that messy court martial crap after a trip to the photo printers.
Murderers: Need to dispose of a body? Simply box it up and ship it to yourself via DHL. You'll never see it again.
Burglars: When fleeing from the police, wrap your right arm in a baby mattress in case the cops sic one of their dogs on you.
Employers: Avoid hiring unlucky people by tossing half the résumés in the trash.
Men: When listening to your favorite CD, turn up the sound to the volume you desire, and then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from bitching about it and then doing it herself.
Gamblers: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending $100 to yourself by U. S. Mail.
Bang two pistachio shells together to give the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
Blind people: At least give yourself a chance of seeing by taking off those heavy dark glasses.
Alcohol makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
Car thieves: Don’t be discouraged when nothing is visible. All the valuables are probably hidden in the trunk.
Depressed people: Instead of attempting suicide as a "cry for help," simply shout "Help!" to save money on drugs.
Motorists: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your cell phone while driving. Hide it inside a large seashell and the cops will think you're listening to the ocean.
Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other day.
Single men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing in the mall with several shopping bags while looking at your watch.
Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out of the pan.
Alcoholics: Don’t worry where the next drink is coming from; go to a pub, where large quantities are available at retail prices.
McDonald's: Make your take-out bags green in color so they blend in with the countryside after we throw them out the car window.
Women: Don’t waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn’t care less. Use the energy you save to clean the house.