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Golf Wisdom

“Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture.” — Winston Churchill

“Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.” — Jack Benny

“You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.” — Lee Trevino

“Golf is not a game, it’s bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins.” — Unknown

“It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.” — Hank Aaron

“ Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.” — Lee Trevino

“I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.” — Lee Trevino

“These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.” — Sam Snead

“Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.” — Paul Harvey

“They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that’s wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don’t have to walk any extra distance to get it.” — Tommy Bolt, asked about the temperament of modern golfers

“Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet.” — Tommy Bolt

“Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.” — Jimmy Demaret

“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” — Jack Lemmon

“If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.” — Lee Trevino

“Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it’s called the PGA Tour.” — Unknown

“Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.” — John Updike

“The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.” — Silk Stockings TV show

“I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.” — Gerald Ford

“The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows.” — P. G. Wodehouse

“If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.” — Bob Hope

“In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the centre-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base.” — Ken Harrelson

“The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life.” — Chi Chi Rodriguez

“After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.” — Chi Chi Rodriguez

“Either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir.” — Tommy Bolt’s caddie, when asked for a club recommendation for a shot of about 150 yards at the end of a high-volume, temperamental, club-throwing round. “A 3-iron or a wedge? What in the hell kind of stupid-ass choice is that?” “Sir, those are the only two clubs still in the your bag!”

From You've Got Laughs! Al Lowe's Book of Internet Humor
coming soon from www.allowe.com