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Cyber Break-Up Letter

Dear [insert screen name here]

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair.  This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of “brb gotta pee” took out some of the romance.

_____ You hurt my feelings when you referred to me as “the ol’ cyber ball and chain.”

_____ I’ve found another lover; one who, unlike you, knows the importance of good… punctuation.

_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:

_____ You typed: “I remove my bra” when you were supposed to be a man.

_____ You typed: “I enter you” when you were supposed to be a woman.

_____ You typed your own name at the end.

_____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.

_____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.

_____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

_____ I finally opened the file with your

__ gif
__ jpg
__ police record.

_____ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.

_____ Mommy says I need to spend less time on the computer.

_____ Your Mommy called me and yelled at me because of all the time you’re spending on the computer.

_____ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the end times come. They are closer than you think.

_____ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating.

_____ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.

_____ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand,

__ [screen name]
__ you misbegotten son of a bitch
__ sir/madam,

that there is nothing personal in this. We’ve simply grown apart.  Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,

_____ Sincerely,
_____ Gleefully,
_____ I have to go before the warden calls “lights out,”
_____ Uh oh, my real life mate is coming up the stairs,
_____ Good riddance,

[your alias]