Back to Al's Text Humor Page
Cubonics:
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404 |
Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.” |
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Adminisphere |
The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant. |
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Alpha Geek |
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.” |
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Arachnoleptic fit (n.)
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The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. | |
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Assmosis |
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. |
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Batmobiling |
putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling” |
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Beelzebug (n.)
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Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. | |
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Beepilepsy |
The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence. |
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Betamaxed |
when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market” |
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Blamestorming |
A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. |
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Blowing Your Buffer |
Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn, I just blew my buffer!” (Synonym: “Head Crash”) |
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Body Nazis |
Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively. |
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Bookmark |
To take note of a person for future reference. “After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.” |
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Bozone (n.)
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The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. | |
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Brain Fart |
A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?” Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations. |
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Cashtration (n.)
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Caterpallor (n.)
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The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. | |
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CGI Joe |
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure. |
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Chainsaw Consultant |
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands. |
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Chip Jewelry |
Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. “I paid three grand for that Mac and now it’s nothing but chip jewelry.” |
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Chips and Salsa |
Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.” |
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CLM |
Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.” |
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Cobweb |
a WWW site that never changes |
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Crapplet |
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!” |
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Cube Farm |
An office filled with cubicles. |
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Dead Tree Edition |
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms. |
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Decafalon (n.)
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The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. | |
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Dilberted |
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.” |
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Dopeler effect
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The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. | |
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Dorito Syndrome |
The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.” |
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Egosurfing |
Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name. |
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Elvis Year |
the peak year of popularity as in “1993 was Barney the dinosaur’s Elvis year” |
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Foreploy
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Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. | |
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Generica |
fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in “we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was” |
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Giraffiti
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Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. | |
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Glazing |
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?” |
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Glibido
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All talk and no action. | |
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Going Postal |
totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages |
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Gray Matter |
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established. |
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Graybar Land |
The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.” |
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High Dome |
egghead, scientist, PhD |
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Hipatitis
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Terminal coolness. | |
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Idea Hamsters |
People whose idea generators are always running. |
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Ignoranus
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A person who's both stupid and an asshole. | |
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Inoculatte
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To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. | |
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Intaxication
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Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. | |
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Irritainment |
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. |
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It’s a Feature |
From the old adage, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over. |
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Karmageddon
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It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer. | |
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Keyboard Plaque |
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people’s computer keyboards. |
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Link Rot |
The process by which web page’s links become obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change or die. |
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Meatspace |
the physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also “carbon community” “facetime” “F2F” “RL” |
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Mouse Potato |
The on-line generation’s answer to the couch potato. |
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Ohnosecond |
That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error. |
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Open-Collar Workers |
People who work at home or telecommute. |
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Osteopornosis
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A degenerate disease. | |
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Percussive Maintenance |
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. |
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Perot |
To quit unexpectedly. “My cellular phone just perot’ed.” |
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Physmental (adj.)
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The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. | |
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Plug-and-Play |
A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.” |
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Prairie Dogging |
When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what’s going on. |
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Reintarnation
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Coming back to life as a hillbilly. | |
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Ribs ‘N’ Dick |
a budget with no fat as in “we’ve got ribs ‘n’ dick and we’re supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades” |
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Salmon Day |
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. “God, today was a total salmon day!” |
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Sarchasm
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The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it. | |
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Seagull Manager |
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves. |
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Siliwood |
the coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also “Hollywired” |
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SITCOMs |
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. “Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage” |
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Square-Headed Spouse |
Computer |
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Squirt the Bird |
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. “Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?” |
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Starter Marriage |
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. |
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Stress Puppy |
A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny. |
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Swiped Out |
An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away. |
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Tourists |
Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.” |
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Treeware |
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. |
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Umfriend |
One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this is Dale, my...um...friend.” |
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Under Mouse Arrest |
Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.” |
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Uninstalled |
Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment. |
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World Wide Wait |
The real meaning of WWW. |
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Xerox Subsidy |
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace. |
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Yuppie Food Coupons |
Twenty dollar bills from an ATM |