Cool Things About
Being A Guy
- A beer gut doesn't make us invisible to the opposite
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- All movie nudity is female.
- Bachelor parties kick bridal showers' ass.
- Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- Belches are tolerated.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- Chocolate is merely another snack.
- Christmas shopping for 25 relatives can be easily
accomplished on December 24th in 45 spare minutes.
- Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob us blind.
- ESPN's SportsCenter.
- Every orgasm is real.
- Everything on our face stays its original color.
- Flowers and/or duct tape can fix everything.
- Foreplay is optional.
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
- Guys in hockey masks never attack us.
- Hot wax never comes near our pubic area.
- If someone forgets to invite us to something,
he can still be our friend.
- If something mechanical doesn't work, we can bash
it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
- If we don't call our buddy when we say we will,
he won't tell our other friends we've changed.
- If we retain water, it's in a canteen.
- If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
- Michael Bolton doesn't live in our universe.
- Monday Night Football.
- New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle our feet.
- No coworker has the power to make us cry.
- Nobody secretly wonders whether we swallow.
- Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when we
enter the room.
- Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great
sex with them.
- Old friends don't give a damn whether we've gained
or lost weight.
- One mood, all the time
- One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all
- Our ass is never a factor in job interviews.
- Our belly usually hides our fat ass.
- Our last name stays put.
- Our pals will never trap us with, "So? Notice
- People never glance at our chest when we're talking
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- Porn movies are designed especially for us.
- Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
- Same work...more pay!
- Sex never makes us worry about our reputation.
- Someday we'll be dirty old men.
- The garage is all ours.
- The National College Cheerleading Championship.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
- The remote control is ours and ours alone.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years.
- The world is our urinal.
- There's always a game on somewhere.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- Toilet cleaning is optional.
- Two guys who show up at a party wearing the same
outfit may end up lifelong buddies.
- Underwear is $6.95 a three-pack.
- We almost never have strap problems in public.
- We are not expected to know the names of more
than five colors.
- We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
- We can "do" our nails with a pocketknife.
- We can admire Clint Eastwood without starving
ourselves to look like him.
- We can be President.
- We can be showered and ready to go in ten minutes.
- We can buy condoms without shopkeepers imagining
- We can drop by to see a friend without bringing
- We can eat a banana in a hardware store.
- We can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
- We can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- We can kill our own food.
- We can leave a hotel bed unmade.
- We can open our own jars.
- We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's
- We can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours
without ever thinking, "He must be mad at
- We can rationalize any behavior with the handy
phrase, "Aw, screw it!"
- We can say anything without worrying about what
people will think.
- We can scratch wherever and whenever it itches.
- We can sit with our knees apart no matter what
- We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- We can whip off our shirts on a hot day.
- We can write our name in the snow.
- We don't care if someone talks about us behind
- We don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices our
new haircut or not.
- We don't have to clean up just because the maid
- We don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy
guy every night.
- We don't have to leave the room to make an emergency
- We don't have to lug a bag of "necessary"
items with us everywhere we go.
- We don't have to monitor our friends' sex lives.
- We don't have to remember everyone's birthdays
- We don't have to shave below the neck.
- We don't have to stop and think of which way to
turn a nut on a bolt.
- We don't mooch others' desserts.
- We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- We get to jump up and slap stuff.
- We get to think about sex 90% of our waking hours.
- We have a normal and healthy relationship with
- We have freedom of choice concerning mustache
- We know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
- We know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
- We needn't pretend we're "freshening up"
just to go to the bathroom.
- We never have to clean a toilet.
- We never have to drive to another gas station
because this one's "just too icky."
- We never have to worry about other people's feelings.
- We never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean
our lover's about to leave us.
- We never miss a sexual opportunity because we're
"not in the mood."
- We never say, "If you don't know what's wrong,
I'm not going to tell you!"
- We never try to stop a pal from getting laid.
- We see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
- We think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
- We understand why Stripes is funny.
- Wedding dress: $2,500. Tuxedo rental: $100.
- Weddings plan themselves.
- When changing channels, we don't stall out every
time we see someone crying.
- When our work is criticized, we don't panic that
everyone secretly hates us.
- With 400 million sperm per shot, we could theoretically
double the Earth's population in 15 tries.
- Wrinkles add character.
And a Few Things That Are Not
- You have to take out the garbage.
- The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $260,000.
- No sofas in your restrooms.
- External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and
- Even if you get your head caught in an industrial
wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
- James Bond movies only come out every two years.
- "Ribbed" for her pleasure-not yours.
- You have to wear ties.
- No way in hell can you flirt your way out of
a traffic ticket.
- "Women and children first."