More than 98 percent
of convicted felons are bread users.
Fully half of all
children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below
average on standardized tests.
In the 18th century,
when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life
expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases
such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
Every piece of
bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
Bread is associated
with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all
sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:
99.9% of all people
who die from cancer have eaten bread.
100% of all soldiers
have eaten bread.
96.9% of all Communist
sympathizers have eaten bread.
99.7% of the people
involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding
93.1% of juvenile
delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.
to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all the people born
since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality
Bread is made from
a substance called dough. It has been proven that
as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab
rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!
societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer,
Alzheimers, Parkinsons disease, and osteoporosis.
Bread has been
proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only
water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
Bread is often a gateway
food item, leading the user to harder items such as
butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
Bread has been proven to absorb
water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it
follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken
over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy,
gooey bread-pudding person.
Newborn babies can choke on bread.
Bread is baked at temperatures
as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill
an adult in less than one minute.
Most bread eaters are utterly
unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and
meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening
statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
No sale of bread
A nationwide Just
Say No To Toast campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and
A 300 percent federal
tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate
No animal or human
images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children)
may be used to promote bread usage.
of Bread-free zones around schools.