Back To Als Site
Back to Al's Text Humor Page

Analogies You Won’t Find In Great Literature

 

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

…Joseph Romm, Washington

She caught your eye like one of those pointy little hook latches that dangle from screen doors and fly up whenever you bang the door open.

…Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly like a bowling ball wouldn’t.

…Russell Beland, Springfield

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

…Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30.

…Roy Ashley, Washington

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

…Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

…Russell Beland, Springfield

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who meant to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but got T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

…Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

…Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

…Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

…Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that, if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”

…Russell Beland, Springfield

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

…Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr on a Dr Pepper can.

…Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

…Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

…Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

…Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

…Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

…Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington

Anonymous:

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of at 7:30.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were as blue as the ocean and her dress was as red as China in the 1950’s.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.