Actual Courtroom Testimony
Actual things that actual people actually said in actual courtrooms, presented here word for word. Maybe.
1. Q: What
is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
2. Q: What gear were you in at
the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
3. Q: This myasthenia gravis,
does it affect your memory at all?
4. Q: How old is your son, the
one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which.
5. Q: What was the first thing
your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
6. Q: And where was the location
of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
7. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
8. Q: Did you blow your horn
A: After the accident?
9. Q: Do you know if your daughter
has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the
defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
11. Q: Now doctor, isnt it true
that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about
it until the next morning?
12. Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year
old, how old is he?
13. Q: Was it you or your younger brother
who was killed in the war?
14. Q: How far apart were the vehicles
at the time of the collision?
15. Q: You were there until the time
you left, is that true?
16. Q: So the date of conception (of
the baby) was August 8th?
17. Q: You say the stairs went down
to the basement?
18. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather
elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
19. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
20. Q: Is your appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
21. Q: Do you recall the time that
you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
22. Q: Doctor, before you performed
the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
23. Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
24. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
25. Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
26. Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
27. Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
29. Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask
you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
29. Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
30. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your
first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
31. Q: Do you know how far pregnant
you are now?
A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8.
32. Q: So you were gone until you returned?
33. Q: She had three children, right?
34. Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
35. Q: Have you lived in this town
all your life?
A: Not yet.
36. Q: Do you recall approximately
the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started at about 8:30 p.m.
37. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
38. Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot
in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
39. Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
40. Q: How did you happen to go to
A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
41. Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that
you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
42. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
43. Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
44. A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q: What happened then?
45. Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance
this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
46. Q: Did he pick the dog up by the
47. Q: When he went, had you gone and
had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being
excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would
he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Q: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
48. Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses
must be oral, okay? What school do you go to?
49. Q: What is your relationship with
A: She is my daughter.
50. Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
51. Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
52. Q: Did you tell your lawyer that
your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
53. Q: So, after the anesthesia, when
you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
54. Q: Could you see him from where
you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
55. Q: What can you tell us about he
truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that son of a bitchand she did!
56. Q: Do you drink when you're on
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
57. Q: ...any suggestions as to what
prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted
A: The victim lived.
58. Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
59. Q: Are you qualified to give a
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
60. Q: The truth of the matter is that
you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too
were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
61. Q: What is the meaning of sperm
A: It indicates intercourse.