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Actual(?) Bumper Stickers

100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?

186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!

A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night

A Mouse Is An Elephant Built By The Japanese

A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind

Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

All Men Are Idiots... And I Married Their King.

Always Remember: You’re Unique, Just Like Everyone Else.

Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.

Atheism Is A Non-Prophet Organization

Ax Me About Ebonics

Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?

Be Nice To Your Kids; They’ll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beer Holder.

Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.

Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

Boldly Going Nowhere

But I Just Can’t Get My Head That Far Up My Ass

Cat: The Other White Meat

Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde

Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine

Chemistry Professors Never Die, They Just Smell That Way!

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

Clones Are People, Two

Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage

Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps.

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

Could You Drive Any Better If I Shoved That Cell Phone Up Your Ass?

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?

Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock

Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?

Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That

Don’t Drink And Drive...You Might Hit A Bump And Spill Your Drink.

Don’t Piss Me Off! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.

Don’t Take Life Too Seriously; You Won’t Get Out Alive

Dyslexics Untie!

Dyslexics Have More Fnu.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.

Earth Is The Insane Asylum For The Universe

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Editing Is A Rewording Activity

Elvis Is Dead And I’m Not Feeling Too Good Myself

Energizer Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery

Entropy Isn’t What It Used To Be

Eschew Obfuscation

Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again?

Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Don’t Have Film.

Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion

F U Cn Rd Ths U Cnt Spl Wrth A Dm!

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

Forget World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies.

Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

God Must Love Stupid People, He Made So Many

Graduate Soon! Millions On Welfare Depend On You

Grow Your Own Dope, Plant A Man

Guys: No Shirt, No Service -- Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Hard Work Has A Future Payoff. Laziness Pays Off Now.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

I don't have a license to kill, I have a learner's permit.

I Don’t Have To Be Dead To Donate My Organ

I Don’t Suffer From Insanity, I Enjoy Every Minute Of It

I Drive Like This To Piss You Off

I Feel Like I’m Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe

I Get Enough Exercise Just Pushin’ My Luck

I Got A Gun For My Wife; Best Trade I Ever Made.

I Have The Body Of A God ...Buddha

I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Was Unfamiliar Territory

I Know What You’re Thinking And You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself.

I Must Be A Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes

I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad?

I Think Feminists Are Cute!

I Took An IQ Test And The Results Were Negative.

I Used To Be Indecisive. Now I’m Not Sure

I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke.

I Want To Die In My Sleep Like My Grandfather, Not Screaming And Yelling Like His Passengers

I Wonder How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend On Me

I’m Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off.

I’m Not A Complete Idiot; Some Parts Are Missing.

I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed -– What More Do You Want?

If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

If It Ain’t Broken... Fix It Till It Is

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You!

If You Can Read This, Then You’re In Range

If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People.

If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother

Illiterate? Write For Free Help

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."

IRS: We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

It Is As Bad As You Think, And They Are Out To Get You.

It’s Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better.

Jesus Is Coming! Look Busy!

Jesus Saves… He Passes It To Gretzky… He Shoots… He Scores!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Maybe Jesus Loves You, But Everyone Else Thinks You’re An Asshole

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

My Kid Had Sex With Your Honor Student

My Reality Check Just Bounced

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.

No Sense Being Pessimistic. It Wouldn’t Work Anyway

Nothing Is Foolproof To A Sufficiently-Talented Fool

On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers

Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes

Pardon My Driving. I’m Reloading

Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.

Rap Is To Music What Etch-A-Sketch Is To Art

Reality Is A Crutch For People Who Can’t Handle Drugs.

Remember: Stop Lights Timed For 35 MPH Are Also Timed For 70 MPH.

Remember My Name -– You’ll Be Screaming It Later

Santa’s Elves Are Just A Bunch Of Subordinate Clauses

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set

Save Your Breath -– You’ll Need It To Blow Up Your Date!

Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!

Seen It All, Done It All, Can’t Remember Most Of It

She’s Always Late. Her Ancestors Arrived On The June Flower

Smile. It’s The Second Best Thing You Can Do With Your Lips.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal To Kill Them

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!

The Earth Is Full - Go Home

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

The More You Complain, The Longer God Makes You Live.

The Sex Was So Good That Even The Neighbors Had A Cigarette.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

Those Who Live By The Sword Get Shot By Those Who Don’t

To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

Very Funny, Scotty. Now Beam Up My Clothes.

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.

We Are Born Naked, Wet, And Hungry... Then Things Get Worse.

Welcome To Shit Creek -– Sorry, We’re Out Of Paddles

What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?

When The Chips Are Down, The Buffalo Is Empty

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

Where There’s A Will, I’m In The Way.

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

You Are Depriving Some Village Of Its Idiot

You Have The Right To Remain Silent. Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted And Used Against You

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Only Speak To Me

Your Child May Be An Honor Student, But You’re Still An Asshole