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A Comprehensive
Guide to Dogs

Things that I, the Dog, Must Remember

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

I will not eat the cats’ food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

“Kitty box crunchies,” although they are tasty, are not food.

I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad’s laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for dad’s driver’s license and car registration.

I will not play tug-of-war with dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage—this will avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.

I will not use “roll around in the dirt” as an option after just getting a bath.

Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

I will not hump on any person’s leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.

I will not pass gas in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn’t mean it is cleaner.

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.

The cat is not a squeaky toy so, when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

Dog's Pet Peeves About Humans

  1. Blaming your farts on me is not funny... not funny at all!
  2. Yelling at me for barking.....I'M a friggin' dog, you moron!
  3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Whose walk is it anyway?
  4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.
  5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Why do you think I chew up your stuff when you're not at home.
  6. That slight--of--hand, fake fetch throw. Oooooh. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain!
  7. Taking me to the vet for that "Big Snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
  8. Getting upset when I sniff your guests' crotches. Sorry, but a handshake will never be as good.
  9. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed I have fur? Idiot!
  10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. We both know the truth: you're jealous!

Dog Owners' House Rules

  1. My dog lives here... you don't. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
  2. Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I. So do you. What's your point?
  3. Of course he smells like a dog. He IS a dog!
  4. It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Feel free to sniff his.
  5. Yes, I do like him more than I like most people.
  6. To you, he's a dog. To me, he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, doesn't speak clearly, and hates cats. I have no problem with any of these traits.
  7. Dogs are better than kids: they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug--using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they're wearing the latest fashion, don't borrow your clothes, don't need college tuition, and, if they get pregnant, you can actually sell their pups!

Dog Property Laws

  1. If I like it, itís mine.
  2. If itís in my mouth, itís mine.
  3. If I can take it from you, itís mine.
  4. If I had it a little while ago, itís mine.
  5. If itís mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
  6. If Iím chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
  7. If it just looks like mine, itís mine.
  8. If I saw it first, itís mine.
  9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, automatically itís mine.
  10. If itís broken, itís yours.

How Dogs Are Like Men

  1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
  2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
  3. Both mark their territory.
  4. Neither tells you whatís bothering them.
  5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
  6. Both have an inordinate fascination with womenís crotches.
  7. Neither does the dishes.
  8. Both fart shamelessly.
  9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
  10. Both like dominance games.
  11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
  12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

  1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  2. Dogs miss you when youíre gone.
  3. Dogs feel guilty when theyíve done something wrong.
  4. Dogs admit when theyíre jealous.
  5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
  6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch. And they never laugh at how you throw.
  7. You can train a dog.
  8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
  9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (Well, truthfully rabies is the worst, but there IS a vaccine for it. And, you get to kill the one that gave it to you!)
  10. Dogs understand what ďnoĒ means.
  11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

How Dogs Are Better Than Women

  1. A dog will let you put a studded collar on her without calling you a pervert.
  2. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
  3. A dog's parents will never visit you.
  4. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  6. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman--Marcus.
  7. Dogs can't talk.
  8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
  9. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
  10. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  11. Dogs don't care about previous dogs in your life.
  12. Dogs don't get mad at you when you pet another dog.
  13. Dogs don't shop.
  14. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
  15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
  16. Dogs love it when you leave your clothes on the floor.
  17. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
  18. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  19. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
  20. Dogs limit their time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
  21. Dogs never expect flowers on Valentine's Day.
  22. Dogs never expect you to call them.
  23. Dogs seldom outlive you.
  24. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
  25. Dogs won't hold out on you to get a new car.
  26. Dogs won't get mad at you if you forget their birthday.
  27. If A dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  28. If A dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
  29. If A dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
  30. If A dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
  31. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
  32. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
  33. No dog will ever wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
  34. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
  35. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
  36. The later you are, the more excited your dog are to see you.
  37. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
  38. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Life Lessons Learned From A Dog

  1. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
  2. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is quite effective.
  3. Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
  4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue and when to use it.
  5. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
  6. Be loyal.
  7. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
  8. Donít go out without ID.
  9. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.† Stop when you have had enough.
  10. If itís not wet and sloppy, itís not a real kiss.
  11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  12. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually youíll get what you want.
  13. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
  14. Let others know when theyíve invaded your territory.
  15. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
  16. Never pretend to be something youíre not.
  17. No matter how often youíre scolded, donít buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
  18. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
  19. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
  20. Run, romp, and play daily.
  21. Take naps and stretch before rising.
  22. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  23. When itís in your best interestópractice obedience.
  24. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
  25. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him gently.
  26. When you do something wrong, accept responsibilityÖonce youíve been dragged out from under the bed.
  27. When youíre happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Dog Quotations

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. --Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
--Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
--Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
--Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
--Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
--Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
--M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
--Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
--Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
--Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
--Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
--James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
--Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
--Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
--Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
--Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
-- Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
--Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
--Phil Pastoret

Daily Canine Routine

Everyday is divided into two important sections: mealtime and everything else.

I.†† Mealtime

Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat.† The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.

2.  It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles.† Mouth--sized things that cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.

3.  When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower.† Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone.† This is important.† Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.

4.  Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another.† The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is† as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.

5.  When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing.† There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.

6.  If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly.† As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.

II.† Everything Else

There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.

2.  Any time that is not mealtime is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly.† The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway.† The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.

3.  The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person.† A second effective method is to stand on a light--colored piece of furniture.

4.  Personal Safety

    At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly.† If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.

     The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.

5.  Recreation and Leisure

    Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.

The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.

2.  The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.

     Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in.† Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.

6.  Health

    In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard.† If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.

New Dog Breeds

Parents

New Breed

Description
Pointer &
Setter
Poinsetter traditional Christmas pet

Collie &
Lhasa Apso

Collapso dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz &
Chow Chow
Spitz--Chow
dog that throws up a lot
Great Pyrenees &
Dachshund
Pyradachs puzzling breed
Pekingnese &
Lhasa Apso
Peekasso abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel &
English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever &
Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland &
Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound dog for financial advisors
Terrier &
Bulldog
Terribull dog that makes awful mistakes
Kerry Blue Terrier &
Skye Terrier
Blue Skye dog for visionaries
Bloodhound &
Labrador
Blabador dog that barks incessantly
Malamute &
Pointer
Moot Point owned by... oh, it really doesn't matter
Collie &
Malamute
Commute dog that travels to work
Deerhound &
Terrier
Derriere dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier &
Shitzu
Bull Shitzu gregarious but unreliable breed

Famous Quotes about Dogs

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Sean Connery

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." --Will Rogers

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." --Sigmund Freud

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." --Anonymous

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late--breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." --Dave Barry

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." -- Franklin P. Jones

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." --Unknown

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." --Penny Ward Moser

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." --Robert Benchley

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." --Fran Lebowitz

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." --Joe Weinstein

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." --Ben Williams

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." --Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --Andrew A. Rooney

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." --Groucho Marx

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein

Walkin' In A Doggie Wonderland

by Bill Thacker

(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Dog tags ring, are you listeningí?
In the lane, snow is glisteningí.
Itís yellow, not white, Iíve been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree?† Thatís my fragrance.
Itís a sign for wandering vagrants;
Avoid where I pee, itís my pro--per--ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland.
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then Iíll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know that itís
Mine--mine--mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
Flows my natural incense boast;
Stay off my turf, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland.