Actual(?) Landlord Messages

Messages allegedly left on landlord's answering machine.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are plain filthy.

And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment. Would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

I have had the maintenance man six times but I still have no satisfaction.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

I want some repairs done to my oven as it has burnt my knob off.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 AM his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

My toilet seat is cracked; where do I stand?

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone to do something about it.

Our toilet seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job he started to satisfy my wife.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Will you please send someone to fix the sidewalk? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

From You've Got Laughs! Al Lowe's Book of Internet Humor
coming soon from www.allowe.com