Actual (?) Commentator Quotes

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie, Fanny Sunneson, lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' choice of tires on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first "Millionaire" winner, Judith Keppel, on This Morning: "She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well, Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham versus Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands, he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

A new grandstand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away: "My word! Look at that magnificent erection!"

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis, discussing how people found food during the Middle Ages on Time Team Live, said: "You'd eat beaver, if you could get it."

U.S. PGA Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh, my God! What have I said?!"

Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford - Cambridge boat race in 1977: "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator: "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, Weightlifting commentator: "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"