(Actual?) Signs

Outside a farm	Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.
In a laundry, on each washing machine	Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
On a church door	This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door locked because of draft; use side door.)
Outside a photographer’s studio	Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.
Outside a disco	Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
In a cleaner’s window	Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a health food shop	Closed due to illness.
In a safari park	Elephants please stay in your car
In a hotel during a conference	For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor.
In a farmer’s field	The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
On a repair shop door	We can repair anything. (Please knock hard—bell out of order.)
In an office building washroom	Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
On a plumber's truck	We repair what your husband fixed.
On a local plumbing company's trucks in NE Pennsylvania	Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
At a pizza shop	7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee	Invite us to your next blowout.
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office	Hello. May we pick your nose?
At a towing company	We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an electrician’s truck	Let us remove your shorts.
In a non-smoking area	If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door	Push. Push. Push.
At an optometrist’s office	If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
On a taxidermist’s window	We really know our stuff.
In a podiatrist’s office	Time wounds all heels.
On a fence	Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a car dealership	The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.
Outside a muffler shop	No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.
In a veterinarian’s waiting room	Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
In a restaurant window	Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a funeral home	Drive carefully. We’ll wait.
On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card	If you cannot read this card...

Actual(?) International Signs

In London department store	Bargain basement upstairs.
In a London office	After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
In a Zurich hotel	Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
From a Japanese information book-let about a hotel air conditioner	Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of war in your room, please control yourself.
In a Leipzig elevator	Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
At a Paris dress shop	Dresses for street walking.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners	Drop your trousers here for best results.
On a Majorcan shop entrance	English well talking.
On a Majorcan shop entrance	Here speeching American.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room	If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Tokyo Hotel	Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bangkok temple	It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest	It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge	Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop	Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Rome laundry	Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers	Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
In a Rhodes tailor shop	Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
In a Tokyo shop	Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant	Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
In a Budapest zoo	Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In a Paris hotel elevator	Please leave your values at the front desk.
On the menu of a Polish hotel	Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Tokyo bar	Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Swiss mountain inn	Special today -- no ice cream.
In the office of a Roman doctor	Specialist in women and other diseases.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency	Take one of our horse-driven city tours--we guarantee no miscarriages.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist	Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Yugoslavian hotel	The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby	The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In an Acapulco hotel	The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
From the Soviet Weekly	There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator	To move the cabin, push botton for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a hotel in Athens	Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 daily.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office	WE take your bags and send them in all directions.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo	When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand	Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Japanese hotel	You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery	You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.